#thingsisaidtomykidstoday

 

There is a wise saying in Proverbs 22:15:

“Folly is bound up in the heart of a child…” 

Folly.  Lots and lots of folly.

Children tend to suck you into the vortex of their folly.  Before you know it, you are saying things and doing things that you never thought you would ever say or do.  I decided one day last year to start recording the weird things I kept hearing myself say to my kids.  People keep telling me that I should write them down somewhere, or write a book.

Well, I have no time to write a book, on account of all that folly.  However, here’s a summary of my hashtag #thingsisaidtomykidstoday to date, just in case you’re interested.

  • You cannot declare your own snow day.
  • The lady on the $20 is not the Money Gramma.
  • Why is there a pile of laundry UNDER the laundry hamper?
  • Arguing with me over Petra lyrics is NOT a good idea for you.
  • Me: K… why is your window open in the middle of winter?
    K: “Cause it’s too hot in my room.
    Me: Then turn off your heater.
    K: Then I’ll be too cold.”
    Me: “Then close your window.
    K: Then it’s TOO HOT!
    Me: …?
  • So what’s it like to have to walk around all day and be responsible for so much handsome?
  • You’re so handsome I can’t even stand it.
  • Me: Hey, K. What’s wrong?
    K: Nothing.
    Me: Then why are you making that face? You tired?
    K: No.
    Me: Then what’s wrong??
    K: I’M JUST TIRED!!!
  • Yitto: “Mawm, I’m a better scarer than you.
    Me: No way. I’m the best scarer that has ever been EVAH.
    Yitto: Nope. I’m the best at scaring.
    Me: Wanna make this interesting???
  • The lady on the $20 is not the Money Gramma.
  • No more turning the thermostat up to 90.
  • Why do your feet smell like Cheetos?
  • I don’t care if Toby Mac shook your hand. You have to wash your hands for breakfast.
  • “Mawm, watch dis.” – flips bottle, doesn’t land it
    “Wait…” – flips bottle. Doesn’t land it.
    “Wait…” – flips bottle. Doesn’t land it.
    “Wait…” —
    Me:😕🙄
    Ten minutes later lands it.
    Me: “You’re amazing at bottle-flipping.”
  • There was a crayon in the dishwasher. All is lost. My life is over.
  • Skittles are not for using in slingshots.
  • Maybe Spongebob’s pants are not square and just his butt is square.
  • I don’t think you can actually buy bullet-proof underwear at Walmart.
  • There’s a nerf bullet in my shoe.
  • It’s time to stop using the word “vomit” in every sentence.
    I mean it. Stop talking about “vomit”… It’s making ME want to vomit.
    Yes, I know you just made me say “vomit”.
  • I think I’d have to choose Spiderman over the Flash. You know, because I like parkour.
  • Head up. Shoulders back. Strong woman.
  • If a boy throws you a football, don’t worry about your nails. Always catch it and run.
  • Just because your name is Daniel, that doesn’t mean I’m getting you white Vans.
    And “damn” IS a swear word.
  • I know his tooth is loose but you are not allowed to hit him in the face to “help it come out”.
  • I can’t do the moonwalk right now. I have sore knees.
  • No, you can’t make diamonds from boiling rocks.
    So… no boiling rocks in my kettle.

    HEY!!! Are you boiling rocks in my kettle?!?
  • Come back and drink that milk. That’s a full day’s work for a cow.
  • That shirt is dirty, and no, there is no difference between natural dirty and regular dirty. It’s just dirty. Take it off.
  • You are not using my hair dryer to dry your koala.
  • You don’t need to bring your duvet down for breakfast. That’s what robes are for.
  • You can’t go to school with the knees ripped out of your track pants.
  • You can’t get on the bus in bare feet.
  • Are you wearing the pants, shirt and hoodie that your brother wore yesterday?
  • If only you guys would just bring spoons home from school.
  • Are you seriously making a paper airplane while the bus is waiting?
  • No pushing kids out of their seats on the bus.
  • I said put on a SWEATSHIRT, not a SWEATY shirt. Go put that back in the laundry, Mr. Jokey.
  • You need to put some pants on before you go to school. That’s just a general rule.
  • You’re just hugging me so I’ll make you a smoothie for breakfast.
  • Everything about what you are doing right now is horribly wrong.
  • And speaking of zombies, stop biting my hand.
  • I’m pretty sure that if you have a child of your own, Coca Cola is not a good name.
  • Just because you yell, ‘YOLO!!’, it doesn’t give you the right to run through the house in your underwear.
  • I’m bustin’ you outta school, Bud. There’s a happy meal in the van.
  • There will absolutely not be knife-throwing.
  • We’re not going to do a knife-throwing game. Use Nerfs with your target.
  • Ninjas should always wear underwear.
  • The ninjas need to stop killing me now cause I’m making supper.
  • Why, oh why is there always spaghetti stuck to my sock today?
  • Can anyone tell me why there’s a dirty sock on the dining room table?
  • Take the communion cup off your tongue.
  • Screaming, “Jesus, take the wheel!!” at 8,000 decibels should only happen if you’re about to have an accident.
  • Please stop stabbing me with a samurai sword. It’s starting to get annoying.

Motherhood has turned me into a very strange woman indeed.  I never really know what odd sentence might fly out of my mouth.  Somehow, it doesn’t seem odd at the moment.

And that’s what kids do.  They take the ordinary moments and throw in a huge amount of silly.  If we open our hearts to them, they make us silly too.  And that’s a Good thing.

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